Is it possible to live in two parallel universes? I think not, but something is seriously not right here. When I feel I'm done with something I just Want to move on to the next thing but second guesses Amongst other things are stopping me from making choices And once again fear is running my life. Its hard to see yourself on this pattern but even harder to make an effort to stop it.
I made plans and now I'm too afraid to go through with them. I guess we all have to find the courage somewhere.
It's been awhile since I've written in here ..maybe a life update is needed.
I'm thinking of giving up on digital , maybe selling my nikon d40 and saving up for a hasselblad? I don't know if I could give up instant gratification though... I've been working a lot lately and planning my trip to New York. There is a road trip to Buffalo in the works right now and hopefully everything will go off without a hitch.
San Francisco was awesome! It was the first time I had a real vacation in a really long time. I let Jenn lead me all around the city and it was just nice to take my shoes off and be "old Mel" for awhile as others call it. Sometimes I think I'm too reserved for my own good.
Strange days ahead...I'm having second thoughts about EVERYTHING! I am so happy to be going to New York at least for a week because I'm getting that itch again. New York in the summer is what I'm really looking forward to . In fact I haven't spent a summer in California in two years.
I have learned two important things in the last few weeks. The first being that I need to learn how to let go of things. I'm so into dramatics not necessary dramatic but if it could resemble a movie I guess I'm in. I should just be a screen writer..sigh. But now I know that I have to talk myself out of doing the most expected extravagant thing. Which means no running down the airport confessing eternal love and or no making scenes on street corners. These things are never good without pre-written dialogue.
Secondly, I learned that I'm subtly always trying to control everything. I always hated people who were so obviously trying to control every situation but I guess I just hated them because they took my control away . It's almost comical how I couldn't tap into this sooner but I'm working on it... I'll let ya know how it goes..
Now I must engage in retail therapy ......to try to forget things/people. such a girl!
My eyes flutter because I need sleep. I am constantly trying to sleep and not succeeding.
I'm such a baby that lack of sleep makes me cry, well everything makes me cry.
I'll alert the world when I grow a second skin. I went out with the girls last week to
Art Night at a museum in Pasadena. It was so nice just to get out of the house.
Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing myself by locking myself up in my room.
These are some of the pictures that I took that night.
I have two trips coming up in the next month and I am so excited. I get my income tax back next week and I'm thinking that with the leftover money I can buy a new camera. I only want to spend my time with a camera and friends lately.I sound like such a bore and maybe it's because it's bedtime! Maybe one day I'll write something real.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
"...silly bunny..
when a guy says they want a "nice girl"
they really want a hot girl, they just don't
want to come off as a dick ....
Well at least the ones that care how they come off...
"nice" girls are everywhere..
they are smart..sweet to a fault..and funny, witty if your lucky.
still you overlook her , you want the other girl with the perfect hair
and pretty eyes..
I don't blame you, maybe if I was in your shoes i'd choose the same thing.
i'm not a guy, i don't know what you really want but judging from what
i see on a regular basis you want a long pair of legs that go on for miles..."
" I thought he looked right through me , like finally someone saw me for who I really
was but instead he was looking passed me and that's when i started feeling invisible.
Which is an interesting feeling because after awhile it becomes comforting. I mean
invisibility is a superpower people crave so to own it in this real world is somewhat empowering
once you get past the tears."
.............................
I just finished watching this short movie called "Eight Percent".
It was okay but I really love the idea of where the title stemmed from.
I love when people have random animal (or other ..) facts and they
apply them to human behavior... I'm all cheese I know
There is so much I want to do and I feel like I'm just sort of sitting here watching life pass me by. I used to be such a motivated person, now I sit with my dog every night while I edit photos I took so long ago. I remember thinking I would never be this mediocre but maybe only mediocre people think that way?
I decided that once I buy a 35mm negative scanner that I might turn this into a photo blog. I am trying to find a new camera to buy and I think that I'm pretty much done on digital. I've been looking at a lot of polaroid cameras lately and I know that polaroid film is done with but trust me it's out there somewhere. There is so much I want to capture out there and I just can't do it from sitting behind a laptop. It's frustrating, I wish I was a collector of things that were worth something because I'm at the point in my life where I want to just sell everything and move to Spain for a year. Yet selling everything would probably leave me with a couple of hundred bucks and no matter how I stretch that I'm sure it wont even be enough for a plane ticket.
My face keeps changing everyday. I don't understand how it could do that really. Can I be different people everyday? I'm sick of working in los angeles, I come home feeling fat and ugly and a bunch of other insecurities I can't put into words. Disturbing really when everyone is falling over a girl with cut off shorts who can barely spell her name. It has almost made me lose hope in finding someone, I did say almost. No matter how hard I try I can't turn that switch off. So I end up thinking that Mr. Right is going to sweep me off my feet with whatever witty banter they can come up with. I'm trying to to kill that hope though , since I came up with my "theory" that I will ramble on about at another time. I'm trying though , you know , to be a girl. Not that I'm not one without trying but since I keep getting the boyfriend question lately I might feel that I detract guys without even trying. Where the hell is this going again?
Ok really I'm trying not to sleep and since I'm failing badly I think its bedtime.
But I love making list. I haven't made a " things I need to do before..." list in years. So this is now my "things I need to do before 2009 is over ". Which can also be "things to do in 2009" but saying it that way seems too much like new years resolutions. So without running this into the ground here is my...
Things I Need To Do Before The End Of 2009
+ finally get a license
- learn how to play guitar
+ learn how to speak Italian
- move to an apartment in long beach
+ get my passport renewed
- go to Europe
+ go on a cross-country road trip
- pay off at least one of my credit cards
+ get an internship
- buy and xbox
+ go back to Portland
- get promoted (finally)
+ visit my family in Peru
- go to school
+ learn to knit .... I think that's it for now Ill start crossing them out as they get completed! Here's crossing my fingers
