Testing, year 2014?

I've taken a break from blogging, blogged in other forums, and have decided to try my hand at this puppy again. let's see how it works out for me. 

Birthday Time

Every year around my birthday I get the same feeling, this time I'm experiencing it ten folds.
It's this anxiety as I look back at my life and try to figure out if I am living it to the best of my ability. Now I'm turning 30 a milestone that people see as reaching "adulthood." Not sure how I feel about that but I do know that I want to celebrate this year in style. I usually make a wish list of things that I want, translating really to things that I want to buy myself. The older you get, the less you expect formal gifts instead it's outing with friends, elaborate dinners, etc.

When thinking about what I wanted to get this year I realized what I really want is instruments. Besides the fact that my musical talent extends to being able to play a few chords on the ukulele, I really want to get musical. Maybe my mid life crisis is me trying to become a "rock star" maybe this is me crying for a creative outlet to express myself, regardless I am determined that in my thirties there will be a more musical me.
Maybe my talents are undiscovered because I have yet to find the right instrument for myself. Who knows? All I know is that it would be really cool to own a xylophone.

Let's discuss.....

NEW YORKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I finally made it to Central Park, my "happy place", walking through was definitely not easy due to the cold and my feet and their blisters. I am the only person in the world that thinks it's okay to break in a new pair of Docs walking around NYC. Walked from the Upper West Side through the park to get to the MET. This day of all days it was extremely packed. Since I rarely or ever visit near a holiday I forgot what it was like to have tourist infested traffic, which I actually didn't mind. I unlike other people I know don't mind a little tourist enthusiasm around me. I remember how I felt the first time landing in NYC, the way I felt when I first saw Times Square or Rockerfeller Center. It is an excitement that you can read on people's faces, even if they are always looking up, walking too slow, and just getting in the way :) 

I spent a lot of time going out with friends which I needed! At home I get so wrapped into my job that all I ever want to do is rest. I am such a homebody, I am the most comfortable on the couch, watching Netflix stream and eating some take out. Obviously this wasn't always me so when I get out here my friends make sure that I get out, have some drinks, and just let loose. I might of let loose a bit too much? Still no hangover! I would consider that success! 

This was the view of Times Square the night before NYE. The way the crowds were forming you would think that it was happening that night. I was literally stuck in a mob two blocks down. It was worse than any concert I have ever been to. You actually had to wait in line to walk down the street. This was taken two blocks away from where I used to live.

For New Years Eve I trekked down to Atlantic City to catch the Brand New show at the House of Blues. I left the apartment at 3 and literally got stuck. They would not let me walk down the street. I had to walk all the way around to 40th and 6th just so I can go down to Port Authority. Luckily I left early and didn't miss my bus. I forgot what it felt like to take the Greyhound bus, I found myself in the same position that I was in 9 years ago, riding the Greyhound trying to get to a Brand New show. Somethings never change.

Atlantic City was pretty interesting, my second time there and this time I actually got a good look at it. It looks like what I would imagine Vegas would look like if NJ got a hold of it. Take that however you like.....
I cannot say enough good things about the show, since it was basically one of my dream shows. Brand New played for almost 3 hours straight. Acoustic, into YFW, then into request. The countdown happened during Soco Amaretto Lime, which 9 years and 2 days ago to the day my friends and I had flown to NYC to see Brand New play at Sports Plus. That is when Jesse renamed the song Southern California Amaretto Lime...
I will try to explain this in brief but that band really does mean the world to me. Spending New Years at the show, which I thought was going to be a shitty idea, actually ended up being the most cathartic thing.

I have two more days here.... I'll make them count!

My hands are frozen

I wish I could open up my brain and heart and let everyone in on how I feel when I come to the city. It is truly magical for me, cheesy? probably but that is the only word I could use. I come here a lot, I have a lot of feelings, this place makes me happy. All these things are true but to some up my experiences with words is never enough it's pictures that capture what I see. 

To be honest when I was landing two nights ago, I opened up the window view and almost started crying. I just thought to myself all the reason why I couldn't stay previously and make it work. Every time I land I feel so non-nonchalant, as to say that this is a place that I know. Even though to know NYC you must actually live here, it is constantly changing, making itself new again every few years. That deli in the corner is no longer a deli, it is a sushi restaurant.My favorite mexican food place is now a clothing store, and so on and so on. 

LA never changes like that, we are no good at being uncomfortable so we stay exactly the same. (Thanks Fiona Apple for that quote) I love walking in the city, mostly due the fact that I can cover so much ground, see so much around me. LA definitely does not allow me that luxury. I have yet to do anything on my list of things to do which obviously means nothing since I have done so much in just my two days here so far. I have not been taking many pictures so that will change today as I am bringing out the old Canon AE-1. 

Wish me luck! 

BLAH BLAH BLAH

So I am currently in NYC and I should really be posting about all the fun I am having. (and I will, see next post) But what I really want to do is talk about something that I just want to shout out to the whole world.

I won't shout on this blog I will just explain, see this picture of me? <------ That one right there, well that is how I look. Almost like a lovable chipmunk. I rarely have a problem with how I look because hey guess what? This is just how it is unless I want to pay absurd amounts of money to change it.

When I was younger my mom would always make comments about things I could change when I was older. Bless her heart, she really just didn't know any better. She was raised in a time where beauty was your main asset. You lure a man with it, you marry, have kids and that's your life.

I will always remember the moment that I realized that I wasn't what people would consider conventionally pretty. I was 9 years old and my family had gone on a trip to Ensenada, Mexico. My mom was brushing my hair in front of this huge mirror and while she did I was dissecting my face, envisioning how it would age and somewhat cringing. I just remember thinking about my personality and what else I had that made people like me. I know it sounds like a sad story but in actuality it's something that I think back on often.

I believe that the idea of  beauty is circumstantial. It all heavily depends on the society you were born into.What someone considers beautiful in North America is probably not what someone would consider beautiful that grew up in China. Trying to change yourself for all these different standards of beauty would be too time consuming not to mention pointless. This morning I looked in the mirror and felt like shit. I thought to myself as I rode on the train, why can I not look like these beautiful beings around me? Obviously self pitting gets people nowhere. I have so many people in this world telling me that I can't do something or that I am not good enough, why am I adding on to it? As a society we are so judgmental, I keep joking with my friend Jen about how I want to wear a shirt that says "I have a great personality" BECAUSE I FUCKING DO.

I keep reading all these different blogs where girls talk about how they look in the mirror and feel disgusting. How they hate themselves, how they hate certain celebrities because they are beautiful,etc,etc. It tears me up inside, so much self hatred for no other reason than trying to fit into this very narrow standard of beauty.  So wake up ladies! There is too much to worry about in this world than to try to please other people. I know how it feels to just not like yourself some days but like I tell my sisters "I wake up everyday feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world, then I go outside and the world tells me no, I just have to remember to not listen to them"

Leopard

#underthestairs

Such a professional in my button down leopard shirt. (insert growl here) I have been trying to decide what to listen to for the last twenty minutes. It seems like the only thing I ever want to listen to is Drake or any music made before 2000. Am I really one of those people?

Why can't I just get down with new music?  ( Yes I said get down)



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It is extremely chilly at my job right now and I want nothing more than to find a heater so I can live in it. I have always been the kind of person who has an aversion to cold. I DON'T LIKE IT!! When I was younger I used to get up and walk out of my bed wrapped in my covers straight to the heater. I would stand over it for what seemed like hours, trying to get toasty like a marshmallow. Oh how I miss heaters....

Under the stairs...

I have literally taken refuge under the stairs, at my job this is my new work space. A lot of Harry Potter references should probably be made right about now.

I think I will post a few pictures a day of me hanging out in this dark secluded space. To be honest I feel unbelievably comfortable here. I am at my core such a hermit.

Countdown to NYC trip should probably begin soon. The weather here in LA is a chilly 56 degrees THANK GOD, let's see how NY will treat me this time around.

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Currently listening to : She and Him - A Very She and Him Christmas

If you know me you would know that Christmas is not my favorite holiday, if anything far from it. I love the idea of family and letting the yule time be gay just as much as everyone but realistically this isn't the spirit I get at Christmas time. In fact with the ever present sun, lack of snow, and weather usually staying in between 70 - 75 degrees in California it's hard to even remember it's Christmas. I am sure people in Chicago would not agree with me, still I want to feel Christmas in the air, isn't that what Christmas movies have taught us throughout our lives? With the exception of Jingle all the way...

Road Tripping

... For the first time in my life I am actually happy that I am standing still. Many hours of my life keep slipping away from me that I find comfort in the silence. I do have to say that in my silence I find myself jumping on the internet a lot more. This is definitely not the road I want to take with my very few hours I call my own a week. 

Still this is not what I wanted to talk about, I still haven't decided this but I do have all these great Instax pictures from a recent company trip to Palms Springs and I thought I would share. Believe it or not I had never been to Palms Springs, in fact I couldn't even tell you where it was located. In my head I always associated it as a getaway for retirees looking to find refuge in the nostalgia of the city. 

If Palm Springs is anything, it is definitely a paused era, do not hit play though just go with it! Driving down the streets I felt like there was an aura of the rat pack still alive and kicking and there I was without a cocktail in my hand. 

With it being a work function I did not have enough time to explore but I did get a taste, and it was one of those taste that you still have not made up your mind about. Is this good? Is this bad? do I need to go for seconds.... I think I will go for seconds.

Every once in awhile...

...

This is me trying not to let sleep take over. I am suppose to be finishing some work but internally I am battling with the idea of sleep and my warm bed.

I think back to days where I could stay up all night then rest my head for 20 minutes and still be able to take on the day. Now my eyes get heavy and I think of all the dreams I can be having.
I have recently become quite a dreamer, a dreamer of the most outrageous things.

I think the new found stress of trying to be a grown up and handle a career that I am slowly building is what is making my brain act out like it is. All these weird signals, pictures, interactions during the day get interpreted in the weirdest ways in my dreams.

I like to believe that there is another world I have created for myself in my head and the more stressful it becomes in real life, the more I retreat to my bizzaro world. I understand if this is coming off completely wacko but as children we are encouraged to dream and then somehow as adults we are suppose to abandon the habit? Day dreaming is how I get through the day, it's the train I board when everything else seems to be turning up shit. I, like Rosanne write a different ending to my stories and I would like to think that it is acceptable to do so.

"There is a small cave in my brain where I have stored you away"   
 
In other news I have purchased yet another Douglas Coupland book: Player One and hope to finish this along with two other books this month. You see I have racked up quite a collection of unread books in my bookshelf and to remedy this I have promised myself not to buy anymore books until I read at least 3 books I own. Genius right?

Birthday Wishlist....

..also known as things I need to buy myself in the future.

It's that time of year, where I turn one year older and feel sorry for myself. This year I plan on doing the first but not the latter.  I have no plans for my birthday other than knowing I want to celebrate it with friends and family. All my friends have been crazy generous this year so I don't expect them to want to buy me anything more than they already have. Still if they want to keep the love coming here is a short wishlist of things that I really want. I am a simple girl so nothing is extravagant....

 I want letters....but here is the catch! Now I am not trying to solicit money online or anything but for the last few years I have wanted so dearly to go to Spain. I have decided that next year is the year to make this happen. I will be turning 29 next year and definitely want to see Spain before I am 30. I am currently trying to save money to make this happen but every little bit helps. So if I know you and we are friends I would encourage you to send me letters with any kind of donation in them and I promise when I make it out there I will send you a postcard. Deal? don't have my address? email me at: iammelephant@hotmail.com

Band Shirts....
 I really want to own an oversized Dinosaur Jr. shirt. I plan on wearing this with some black jeans and boots and maybe my hair in a bun. This is my dream... let's make it happen! Along with Dinosaur Jr. I would really like a Hole shirt, a Promise Ring shirt, or a Pavement shirt.

 Books!
My favorite author, Douglas Coupland, has this one book that I haven't bought yet. I am planning to buy it once the price goes down on amazon, but if someone wants to get me something books are always the answer. I even have a blog dedicated to all the books I want to read... check it out

 Picture frames.
Preferably vintage, second hand store ones. I have a lot of prints to frame and I keep putting off buying frames for them. My dream is to have my room decorated to my standards by the end of the year. If I accomplish this I will look back at this past year as a success.

 

Lubitel 166B

I don't do well with cameras I love since no matter what I end up breaking them. This was one of my favorite cameras until it decided to die on me on a trip to NY. My job sells them for some outrageous price but I really want an original,  like the one I used to have. They go for pretty cheap on Ebay but unfortunately can only get sent from places like Ukraine, regardless I need to get a replacement stat!

 

 

Planners.

I am the most disorganized person I know and want to change that starting NOW! Organizers usually help people be more organized right? I found these really cute ones at Poketo ; if you know me you know my obsession with stationary that goes unused. It's an addiction but now one with a purpose.

 

Pavement.

I love Pavement and have been holding back from buying these for myself out of laziness. It would be cool to own this DVD and book just to say I own it. 

Subscription to Conde Nast Traveler
I travel through the pages of a magazine, this is now my new obsession. I already have a subscription to Travel and Leisure this is the next step.

Charade DVD
One of my favorite movies featuring two of my favorite actors. I would love to own this on DVD to watch again and again and again.... You get the picture! Other movies I would love to own "The shop around the corner" and "Father Goose".