My hands are frozen

I wish I could open up my brain and heart and let everyone in on how I feel when I come to the city. It is truly magical for me, cheesy? probably but that is the only word I could use. I come here a lot, I have a lot of feelings, this place makes me happy. All these things are true but to some up my experiences with words is never enough it's pictures that capture what I see. 

To be honest when I was landing two nights ago, I opened up the window view and almost started crying. I just thought to myself all the reason why I couldn't stay previously and make it work. Every time I land I feel so non-nonchalant, as to say that this is a place that I know. Even though to know NYC you must actually live here, it is constantly changing, making itself new again every few years. That deli in the corner is no longer a deli, it is a sushi restaurant.My favorite mexican food place is now a clothing store, and so on and so on. 

LA never changes like that, we are no good at being uncomfortable so we stay exactly the same. (Thanks Fiona Apple for that quote) I love walking in the city, mostly due the fact that I can cover so much ground, see so much around me. LA definitely does not allow me that luxury. I have yet to do anything on my list of things to do which obviously means nothing since I have done so much in just my two days here so far. I have not been taking many pictures so that will change today as I am bringing out the old Canon AE-1. 

Wish me luck! 

BLAH BLAH BLAH

So I am currently in NYC and I should really be posting about all the fun I am having. (and I will, see next post) But what I really want to do is talk about something that I just want to shout out to the whole world.

I won't shout on this blog I will just explain, see this picture of me? <------ That one right there, well that is how I look. Almost like a lovable chipmunk. I rarely have a problem with how I look because hey guess what? This is just how it is unless I want to pay absurd amounts of money to change it.

When I was younger my mom would always make comments about things I could change when I was older. Bless her heart, she really just didn't know any better. She was raised in a time where beauty was your main asset. You lure a man with it, you marry, have kids and that's your life.

I will always remember the moment that I realized that I wasn't what people would consider conventionally pretty. I was 9 years old and my family had gone on a trip to Ensenada, Mexico. My mom was brushing my hair in front of this huge mirror and while she did I was dissecting my face, envisioning how it would age and somewhat cringing. I just remember thinking about my personality and what else I had that made people like me. I know it sounds like a sad story but in actuality it's something that I think back on often.

I believe that the idea of  beauty is circumstantial. It all heavily depends on the society you were born into.What someone considers beautiful in North America is probably not what someone would consider beautiful that grew up in China. Trying to change yourself for all these different standards of beauty would be too time consuming not to mention pointless. This morning I looked in the mirror and felt like shit. I thought to myself as I rode on the train, why can I not look like these beautiful beings around me? Obviously self pitting gets people nowhere. I have so many people in this world telling me that I can't do something or that I am not good enough, why am I adding on to it? As a society we are so judgmental, I keep joking with my friend Jen about how I want to wear a shirt that says "I have a great personality" BECAUSE I FUCKING DO.

I keep reading all these different blogs where girls talk about how they look in the mirror and feel disgusting. How they hate themselves, how they hate certain celebrities because they are beautiful,etc,etc. It tears me up inside, so much self hatred for no other reason than trying to fit into this very narrow standard of beauty.  So wake up ladies! There is too much to worry about in this world than to try to please other people. I know how it feels to just not like yourself some days but like I tell my sisters "I wake up everyday feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world, then I go outside and the world tells me no, I just have to remember to not listen to them"

Leopard

#underthestairs

Such a professional in my button down leopard shirt. (insert growl here) I have been trying to decide what to listen to for the last twenty minutes. It seems like the only thing I ever want to listen to is Drake or any music made before 2000. Am I really one of those people?

Why can't I just get down with new music?  ( Yes I said get down)



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It is extremely chilly at my job right now and I want nothing more than to find a heater so I can live in it. I have always been the kind of person who has an aversion to cold. I DON'T LIKE IT!! When I was younger I used to get up and walk out of my bed wrapped in my covers straight to the heater. I would stand over it for what seemed like hours, trying to get toasty like a marshmallow. Oh how I miss heaters....

Under the stairs...

I have literally taken refuge under the stairs, at my job this is my new work space. A lot of Harry Potter references should probably be made right about now.

I think I will post a few pictures a day of me hanging out in this dark secluded space. To be honest I feel unbelievably comfortable here. I am at my core such a hermit.

Countdown to NYC trip should probably begin soon. The weather here in LA is a chilly 56 degrees THANK GOD, let's see how NY will treat me this time around.

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Currently listening to : She and Him - A Very She and Him Christmas

If you know me you would know that Christmas is not my favorite holiday, if anything far from it. I love the idea of family and letting the yule time be gay just as much as everyone but realistically this isn't the spirit I get at Christmas time. In fact with the ever present sun, lack of snow, and weather usually staying in between 70 - 75 degrees in California it's hard to even remember it's Christmas. I am sure people in Chicago would not agree with me, still I want to feel Christmas in the air, isn't that what Christmas movies have taught us throughout our lives? With the exception of Jingle all the way...

Road Tripping

... For the first time in my life I am actually happy that I am standing still. Many hours of my life keep slipping away from me that I find comfort in the silence. I do have to say that in my silence I find myself jumping on the internet a lot more. This is definitely not the road I want to take with my very few hours I call my own a week. 

Still this is not what I wanted to talk about, I still haven't decided this but I do have all these great Instax pictures from a recent company trip to Palms Springs and I thought I would share. Believe it or not I had never been to Palms Springs, in fact I couldn't even tell you where it was located. In my head I always associated it as a getaway for retirees looking to find refuge in the nostalgia of the city. 

If Palm Springs is anything, it is definitely a paused era, do not hit play though just go with it! Driving down the streets I felt like there was an aura of the rat pack still alive and kicking and there I was without a cocktail in my hand. 

With it being a work function I did not have enough time to explore but I did get a taste, and it was one of those taste that you still have not made up your mind about. Is this good? Is this bad? do I need to go for seconds.... I think I will go for seconds.