My hands are frozen

I wish I could open up my brain and heart and let everyone in on how I feel when I come to the city. It is truly magical for me, cheesy? probably but that is the only word I could use. I come here a lot, I have a lot of feelings, this place makes me happy. All these things are true but to some up my experiences with words is never enough it's pictures that capture what I see. 

To be honest when I was landing two nights ago, I opened up the window view and almost started crying. I just thought to myself all the reason why I couldn't stay previously and make it work. Every time I land I feel so non-nonchalant, as to say that this is a place that I know. Even though to know NYC you must actually live here, it is constantly changing, making itself new again every few years. That deli in the corner is no longer a deli, it is a sushi restaurant.My favorite mexican food place is now a clothing store, and so on and so on. 

LA never changes like that, we are no good at being uncomfortable so we stay exactly the same. (Thanks Fiona Apple for that quote) I love walking in the city, mostly due the fact that I can cover so much ground, see so much around me. LA definitely does not allow me that luxury. I have yet to do anything on my list of things to do which obviously means nothing since I have done so much in just my two days here so far. I have not been taking many pictures so that will change today as I am bringing out the old Canon AE-1. 

Wish me luck! 

BLAH BLAH BLAH

So I am currently in NYC and I should really be posting about all the fun I am having. (and I will, see next post) But what I really want to do is talk about something that I just want to shout out to the whole world.

I won't shout on this blog I will just explain, see this picture of me? <------ That one right there, well that is how I look. Almost like a lovable chipmunk. I rarely have a problem with how I look because hey guess what? This is just how it is unless I want to pay absurd amounts of money to change it.

When I was younger my mom would always make comments about things I could change when I was older. Bless her heart, she really just didn't know any better. She was raised in a time where beauty was your main asset. You lure a man with it, you marry, have kids and that's your life.

I will always remember the moment that I realized that I wasn't what people would consider conventionally pretty. I was 9 years old and my family had gone on a trip to Ensenada, Mexico. My mom was brushing my hair in front of this huge mirror and while she did I was dissecting my face, envisioning how it would age and somewhat cringing. I just remember thinking about my personality and what else I had that made people like me. I know it sounds like a sad story but in actuality it's something that I think back on often.

I believe that the idea of  beauty is circumstantial. It all heavily depends on the society you were born into.What someone considers beautiful in North America is probably not what someone would consider beautiful that grew up in China. Trying to change yourself for all these different standards of beauty would be too time consuming not to mention pointless. This morning I looked in the mirror and felt like shit. I thought to myself as I rode on the train, why can I not look like these beautiful beings around me? Obviously self pitting gets people nowhere. I have so many people in this world telling me that I can't do something or that I am not good enough, why am I adding on to it? As a society we are so judgmental, I keep joking with my friend Jen about how I want to wear a shirt that says "I have a great personality" BECAUSE I FUCKING DO.

I keep reading all these different blogs where girls talk about how they look in the mirror and feel disgusting. How they hate themselves, how they hate certain celebrities because they are beautiful,etc,etc. It tears me up inside, so much self hatred for no other reason than trying to fit into this very narrow standard of beauty.  So wake up ladies! There is too much to worry about in this world than to try to please other people. I know how it feels to just not like yourself some days but like I tell my sisters "I wake up everyday feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world, then I go outside and the world tells me no, I just have to remember to not listen to them"

Leopard

#underthestairs

Such a professional in my button down leopard shirt. (insert growl here) I have been trying to decide what to listen to for the last twenty minutes. It seems like the only thing I ever want to listen to is Drake or any music made before 2000. Am I really one of those people?

Why can't I just get down with new music?  ( Yes I said get down)



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It is extremely chilly at my job right now and I want nothing more than to find a heater so I can live in it. I have always been the kind of person who has an aversion to cold. I DON'T LIKE IT!! When I was younger I used to get up and walk out of my bed wrapped in my covers straight to the heater. I would stand over it for what seemed like hours, trying to get toasty like a marshmallow. Oh how I miss heaters....

Under the stairs...

I have literally taken refuge under the stairs, at my job this is my new work space. A lot of Harry Potter references should probably be made right about now.

I think I will post a few pictures a day of me hanging out in this dark secluded space. To be honest I feel unbelievably comfortable here. I am at my core such a hermit.

Countdown to NYC trip should probably begin soon. The weather here in LA is a chilly 56 degrees THANK GOD, let's see how NY will treat me this time around.

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Currently listening to : She and Him - A Very She and Him Christmas

If you know me you would know that Christmas is not my favorite holiday, if anything far from it. I love the idea of family and letting the yule time be gay just as much as everyone but realistically this isn't the spirit I get at Christmas time. In fact with the ever present sun, lack of snow, and weather usually staying in between 70 - 75 degrees in California it's hard to even remember it's Christmas. I am sure people in Chicago would not agree with me, still I want to feel Christmas in the air, isn't that what Christmas movies have taught us throughout our lives? With the exception of Jingle all the way...

Road Tripping

... For the first time in my life I am actually happy that I am standing still. Many hours of my life keep slipping away from me that I find comfort in the silence. I do have to say that in my silence I find myself jumping on the internet a lot more. This is definitely not the road I want to take with my very few hours I call my own a week. 

Still this is not what I wanted to talk about, I still haven't decided this but I do have all these great Instax pictures from a recent company trip to Palms Springs and I thought I would share. Believe it or not I had never been to Palms Springs, in fact I couldn't even tell you where it was located. In my head I always associated it as a getaway for retirees looking to find refuge in the nostalgia of the city. 

If Palm Springs is anything, it is definitely a paused era, do not hit play though just go with it! Driving down the streets I felt like there was an aura of the rat pack still alive and kicking and there I was without a cocktail in my hand. 

With it being a work function I did not have enough time to explore but I did get a taste, and it was one of those taste that you still have not made up your mind about. Is this good? Is this bad? do I need to go for seconds.... I think I will go for seconds.

Every once in awhile...

...

This is me trying not to let sleep take over. I am suppose to be finishing some work but internally I am battling with the idea of sleep and my warm bed.

I think back to days where I could stay up all night then rest my head for 20 minutes and still be able to take on the day. Now my eyes get heavy and I think of all the dreams I can be having.
I have recently become quite a dreamer, a dreamer of the most outrageous things.

I think the new found stress of trying to be a grown up and handle a career that I am slowly building is what is making my brain act out like it is. All these weird signals, pictures, interactions during the day get interpreted in the weirdest ways in my dreams.

I like to believe that there is another world I have created for myself in my head and the more stressful it becomes in real life, the more I retreat to my bizzaro world. I understand if this is coming off completely wacko but as children we are encouraged to dream and then somehow as adults we are suppose to abandon the habit? Day dreaming is how I get through the day, it's the train I board when everything else seems to be turning up shit. I, like Rosanne write a different ending to my stories and I would like to think that it is acceptable to do so.

"There is a small cave in my brain where I have stored you away"   
 
In other news I have purchased yet another Douglas Coupland book: Player One and hope to finish this along with two other books this month. You see I have racked up quite a collection of unread books in my bookshelf and to remedy this I have promised myself not to buy anymore books until I read at least 3 books I own. Genius right?

Birthday Wishlist....

..also known as things I need to buy myself in the future.

It's that time of year, where I turn one year older and feel sorry for myself. This year I plan on doing the first but not the latter.  I have no plans for my birthday other than knowing I want to celebrate it with friends and family. All my friends have been crazy generous this year so I don't expect them to want to buy me anything more than they already have. Still if they want to keep the love coming here is a short wishlist of things that I really want. I am a simple girl so nothing is extravagant....

 I want letters....but here is the catch! Now I am not trying to solicit money online or anything but for the last few years I have wanted so dearly to go to Spain. I have decided that next year is the year to make this happen. I will be turning 29 next year and definitely want to see Spain before I am 30. I am currently trying to save money to make this happen but every little bit helps. So if I know you and we are friends I would encourage you to send me letters with any kind of donation in them and I promise when I make it out there I will send you a postcard. Deal? don't have my address? email me at: iammelephant@hotmail.com

Band Shirts....
 I really want to own an oversized Dinosaur Jr. shirt. I plan on wearing this with some black jeans and boots and maybe my hair in a bun. This is my dream... let's make it happen! Along with Dinosaur Jr. I would really like a Hole shirt, a Promise Ring shirt, or a Pavement shirt.

 Books!
My favorite author, Douglas Coupland, has this one book that I haven't bought yet. I am planning to buy it once the price goes down on amazon, but if someone wants to get me something books are always the answer. I even have a blog dedicated to all the books I want to read... check it out

 Picture frames.
Preferably vintage, second hand store ones. I have a lot of prints to frame and I keep putting off buying frames for them. My dream is to have my room decorated to my standards by the end of the year. If I accomplish this I will look back at this past year as a success.

 

Lubitel 166B

I don't do well with cameras I love since no matter what I end up breaking them. This was one of my favorite cameras until it decided to die on me on a trip to NY. My job sells them for some outrageous price but I really want an original,  like the one I used to have. They go for pretty cheap on Ebay but unfortunately can only get sent from places like Ukraine, regardless I need to get a replacement stat!

 

 

Planners.

I am the most disorganized person I know and want to change that starting NOW! Organizers usually help people be more organized right? I found these really cute ones at Poketo ; if you know me you know my obsession with stationary that goes unused. It's an addiction but now one with a purpose.

 

Pavement.

I love Pavement and have been holding back from buying these for myself out of laziness. It would be cool to own this DVD and book just to say I own it. 

Subscription to Conde Nast Traveler
I travel through the pages of a magazine, this is now my new obsession. I already have a subscription to Travel and Leisure this is the next step.

Charade DVD
One of my favorite movies featuring two of my favorite actors. I would love to own this on DVD to watch again and again and again.... You get the picture! Other movies I would love to own "The shop around the corner" and "Father Goose".

Crazy, Stupid, Love...

First off let me preface this with saying this is most definitely a rant letting everyone know that I will probably end up with a gazillion cats that will inevitably kill me and eat my remains, therefore dying alone. Not to worry though at least I didn't settle, no thanks to you big Hollywood movies.


 
I want to lie and say I am done with romantic comedies but I can't. Mostly because these movies give me something that no one else seems to be able to give me, affirmation! Whether it's "Yes Melissa you will die alone" there is a movie for that! or "One day you will find the one" there are a million movies for that.Better yet the ones that talks to you about soul mates, those are the ones that get me. 

 

Wikipedia defines a soul mate as a  person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, or compatibility. In my life time I have had this feeling about 3 different people, the first one being the most intense.....

"They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."
Chuck Klosterman

This is our stories.....Brand New

 

In December 2002 my friends and I boarded a plane headed for New York City. It was the first time any of us had flown alone, and our first time in the "big scary city". The reason we were flying? A band of course! A band that only a year prior did we become acquainted with and who we had seen 10 times that year even before boarding that plane. When we landed in the city  we dropped off our things at a hotel and went straight to the Knitting Factory where another band, The Movielife, was playing with another favorite of ours the now defunct band The Reunion Show. The show was sold out and we waited outside to see if anyone had an extra ticket. We spotted someone smoking outside of the venue who had a Your Favorite Weapon tattoo on her arm. I went up to her and told her "Brand New, I love them" she took a puff from her cigarette, took a look at me and without missing a beat responded "No you don't". This person would later become one of my closest friends but at the time she was the only person I knew that loved this silly band as much as we did. I had always referred to her as Brand New's biggest fan. No matter where I flew to see them in the East Coast, she was there front row. I ran into her for years, always feeling the comfort that there was someone out there who was just like me. 

If you aren't aware of the band Brand New there really isn't much to say about them that a good ol' google search won't tell you. What I can tell you is that there are a lot of us. People who are zombie like followers of this band. In a trance, following them around stateside in order to hear their music and get their fill. If there was every anyone to take the throne as Queen Bee of these zombie nuts without knowing it, your Queen is Catherine. With 100 plus shows under her belt, a Brand New music collection that takes up most of the space in her IPod, and memorabilia that would entitle her to open up a museum I would say she is pretty close to number one fan status. I think the one thing people are always asking me when I tell them how many times I have seen this band is "Why do you see them so much?" amongst a plethora of other questions. I thought it would be a little fun to finally come out and just spill the beans with a little question and answer session between us girls. If you are a fan I encourage you to do the same.....

 "Brand new is what brought us together, we like to refer to it as world colliding."

I will miss you Kiev

My Kiev 88 died a few days ago....
more like I fucking killed my camera because I turned the knob the wrong way. I have never had a camera that basically had a huge red "do not press or the camera will self destruct " button on it. Okay not literally but if you know Kiev's they are gentle creatures and really easy to break. So my carelessness cost me about $220 dollars... on to find another camera to call my favorite.

Oh LA you got me.....

I recently led a workshop titled "Lomography Tours LA", catchy huh? The premise was to take attendees to three major spots where LA was represented. This workshop was my idea so obviously I was hoping that it would be smooth sailing. I chose three locations that would be easily accessible on our metro system, and that would also be good points of interest. We ended up going to the tourist mecca Hollywood and Highland, Downtown LA, and Union Square. If you are from LA you would know that these are three very different places which I chose at random but when we actually got there I was so happy to see that I covered the spectrum of what LA consist of...

I often declare my hate for this city that I call home. I live in a neighborhood that is nice but still riddled with people with no real jobs that sit in front of cafe's to be seen, it is disturbing to say the least. I look at LA. I having worked in the heart of West Hollywood for many years and see the cliche's. The waiters that want to be actors, the Starbucks barista's that are screen writers, the gold digging fake breasted women with boyfriends that are three times their age. Granted all of this is pretty accurate, the cliche's are very little cliche's as much as they can be fact if you are in the right location. Still there is a lot of culture hidden behind places we tend to overlook.

   
    I tend to love the things that are not glossed over, bring me the dirty streets lined with taco trucks! This is the kind of stuff I feed off of. When I travel I don't only want to see the tourist attractions, I want to see where the locals go to eat, read, shop, etc. Now starting the trip at Hollywood and Highland I obviously covered the tourist attraction that is Hollywood Blvd. Our next stop was in the heart of Downtown LA, Pershing Square. People tend to look at Downtown LA and think it is either hipster or homeless ridden, both true statements. I look at Downtown LA and see a mixture of two very different places. All along Broadway you can see small discount stores owned mostly by Hispanic families. On the other side of that there are skyscrapers and old buildings with amazing architecture. Definitely not something to disregard! We went to Angel Knolls Plaza a place I frequent when I want to take in a good book, or maybe have a taco across the street. Walking into Downtown LA always makes me feel like I stepped into a different state and sometimes I really need that.      

I have to pre-face this with I am not the biggest fan of "Best Coast" but watching their video yesterday did put them a few notches higher in my book. Besides the familiar concept of rival gangs and Romeo and Juliet kind of love we have seen many times in movies,books,etc, this video has some awesome fashion. Just the way it's styled is brilliant! I want every piece that Chloe is wearing. When I look at the video all I can think of is "I wish I could photograph it". 

Directed by Drew Barrymore and featuring not one, not two, but three of my favorite young actresses how could this ever be a fail? If you haven't seen it yet do yourself a favor and go see it now....

Read the Signs...

On my way to the gym this morning I felt like I kept seeing all these great unexpected signs. Not signs as in the universe is trying to talk to me but literal signs, either spray painted or put on marquees. Like an idiot I forgot to carry a camera with me but I at least had my phone on me.

 

I recently watched L.A. Story for the first time in years, I forgot the central idea to the movie being leading your life through what signs you get from the universe. I think it is time that I start paying attention to what is going on around me more closely. Normally you would think that I would subscribe to the notion that the universe is discreetly telling me what to do but just like everyone else in this world if the world is talking to me I am too busy texting on my phone to hear what it has to say. 

Story Time:  About two years ago I was working a job I hated, and only recently left. My manager was the dumbest person I have ever encountered and he dealt with this fact by being a complete asshole to me. It was the hardest thing to run a department and let him get all the credit on top of that he felt he needed to belittle everything I did to somehow boost his confidence. One day I had it, I was 30 minutes away from break and had decided that all I wanted to do was cry in the break room. When my break had arrived apparently he had the same idea, minus the crying part. I had nowhere to go so I walked down the street to Starbucks where I proceeded to call my friend and bitch about how this man not only makes my life miserable but also ruined my only time to have some emotional release. So I sat there with my head pressed against the table at Starbucks crying in front of complete strangers and when I looked down at the table there it was. Two napkins one reading something along the lines of .... "Everything will be better", than an arrow pointing to another napkin reading "Go to Spain". I know this seems like a crock of shit but in all honesty I couldn't believe it either, whether it was the universe speaking to me or just a coincidence who cares. I am planning my first trip to Spain next year and cannot wait to see what that has in store for me. I will end this with another sign I have seen on my way home.....

 

Forgotten....

 

I just scanned some images from my trip to NYC in 2010. I know I frequent New York City often but this trip was one of my favorites. I remember carrying around this cheap Kodak makeshift panoramic camera I had picked up at a thrift store a week prior to my trip. I was excited to see if I could capture some great panoramas of the NYC skyline, Times Square, Central Park etc. To be completely honest I had so many cameras on that trip that this one kind of fell by the way side. I recently discovered it in my failed attempt to clean my room. I had our lab develop the pictures a few weeks ago and once again I forgot all about the film. Luckily I had nothing to do yesterday night (not a surprise) so I spent the whole night scanning this roll. It's amazing how you can be drawn right back into a moment just by looking at a single picture. In a way, I think that is why I am drawn to photography. It is the closest thing I have to pausing my life.

This picture right here was taken on a whim, I had never planned to go to Hoboken and see my friend Jude it just happened. All the planets aligned and I was lucky enough to spend the day with a really good friend. The same way that day was not planned, this picture was not planned either. I snapped two panoramic shots one right after the other. When I went to go scan them they made such a great diptych that I feel the mood of the picture was lost when I separate the two.

I think I am going to start experimenting with lost photography, it seems to make it more special when you see something you forgot you even had. I guess I could apply this to life in someway.

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Another forgotten roll was found recently when I was cleaning out a bag I had for years. I found a roll that had ripped and I managed to save in the canister. It was also from a trip to New York, and it ripped while I was watching Jesse Lacey and Kevin Devine perform at the Williamsburg Music Hall more than three years ago. At the time I didn't know how to salvage the roll, even worse I didn't know who would develop it the way it was. As soon as we opened the lab in our store I politely asked our technician if we could put it through the machine. She was hesitant due to the fact that we both didn't know how a dirty roll that survived in a pocket of my handbag for three plus years would affect her machine. Luckily nothing happened but the results were crazy, light leaks, color changes, etc. Take a look for yourself ....

San Francisco....again

I have been to San Francisco many times in my life. Before New York City entered the picture this was the place I would go escape. It was the only real city I knew, or at least thought I knew. Looking back now I see how in the last 9 years I have only seen snapshots of the city. Being led through it by a number of different people,  seeing it through their eyes. 

  I always tell people that this is the only place I have been to more than a dozen times and yet I still can't figure out how to get around. You can drop me off  in the middle of the city and I would not understand at all how it connects. I remember the first time I went with Michelle, we stayed for 3 days, slept in the car in the parking lot of a hostel and drove up and down Van Ness street for what seemed like forever. That was 

freedom at nineteen years old I guess. 

This time around I traveled with an old high school friend who I hadn't seen or talked to in person for over 5 years. It is strange to think that someone would want to re-connect on a trip where there are no outs if for some reason the connection is not there anymore, well I am a strange girl.  

Once again it became a thing of seeing the city through her eyes, not that it was bad but I am wondering when I am going to get my own view of the city. Or maybe it is just too late? New york stole my heart it would be too hard to try to get it back. I am so confused with San Francisco now a days... besides it's black and white photobooth in Fisherman's Wharf I don't know what else I have to look forward to when I go. Wait I forgot, it has Bi-Rite Creamery ... you can disregard everything else I just said.