A polaroid a day....

Just like every girl out there I have major insecurities about my face,body, etc. These insecurities that stem from childhood seem to creep up at the worst of times. It also doesn't help that I live in Los Angeles, the capital of fake, blonde, and beautiful. Growing up my mother was not too friendly or discreet about my lacking physical attributes. In fact she would go as far as to point them out and talk about improving them some day. I grew up thinking I had a funny face, I probably do but I just remember thinking to myself   "Ok if I am not going to be pretty I better have a personality". So I started focusing on things I could control. I knew it was important to be friendly and welcoming, and I loved to be goofy and make people laugh. I became a better listener, a better friend because I knew that people wouldn't automatically be drawn to me. I now tend to see the beauty in everyone which is something I pride myself in. Yet regardless we still have THOSE days.

Lately I have been hearing soo many people talk about looks and how they correlate with relationships. I am an eternally single girl who people are trying to convince is single because of what I am lacking. One person told me to go to the gym because it would give me confidence, someone else told me to start wearing more makeup. There exact words were "If you like someone you have to try to look your best, you can't expect someone to like you at your worst" Which to me just didn't make any sense...
So there I was feeling drab and fat and all kinds of other negative terms. That's when I turned to the camera, I started shooting one polaroid a day just to see what I really looked like and this is what I got....

Besides me busting out the same pose..I just thought to myself maybe I don't see how people see me. The last one is me without make up and it could be my favorite. What I learned through this was that maybe I could identify the beauty in these pictures the way I would with other people. I now have started going to the gym and it has given me confidence! BUT it isn't for anyone else other than me. I also started wearing the makeup I had stored up but I wear it at home because it makes me feel pretty and I really don't think I care about how others see me in it. In every ones words I have found a new sense of self instead of trying to do things to attract others to me. Hope I can keep this up....

I am obsessed with....

... NAIL POLISH!!! As I try to tap into my girlie side I find that I like minimal enhancements to my look. I love mascara, lipgloss, and now nail polish. Who knew that just changing your nail color could make you feel prettier. Here are the ones on my wishlist..i.e... what will take my future paychecks away.

Slapsgiving....

....came and went....

It seriously is my favorite holiday, right after Valentine's Day (it's not only for couples!!!!) 

Slapsgiving ... How I met your mother

I love eating and I love being thankful. I guess in those terms Thanksgiving happens every day in my life!!!! Unfortunately after Thanksgiving comes the day that anyone in retail dreads... BLACK FRIDAY. So picture this there is a line forming around a building, hundreds of people camping out. Not for a concert, or an autograph from some celebrity, it's for shoes, or a dvd. Could this really be normal? I of all poor people understand the value of a great deal but just like my dear friend Annette put it I put comfort over saving a buck any day. Don't get me wrong I once too succumbed to the idea of getting up early and waiting with the rest of the world to try to get on some good deals but I remember that morning and it ended with my friend and I not purchasing anything because the lines were too long. The whole morning was just for us to drink our starbucks in crowded places. Yet the excitement was there.. Maybe all it really is an adrenaline rush to buy things that you don't need and would eventually try to pass off as a good gift even though we all know you bought that DVD for 3.99 ( I am talking to you Luis Mendoza) Still this all baffles me.

 We are the only country who does this, and even worse I feel like we seem to be losing the idea of what Thanksgiving is all about. We already lost Christmas and I would like to keep at least one Holiday low on the cosumerism (Yes yes I know it's always there but could we keep it to a minimum ?) It seems each year the stores open earlier and earlier, sooner or later we will scratch out Thanksgiving in general just to make sure  we can get to the sales faster.LAME

Settle ? You said settle...

I don't understand this world, or to be more clear this world and it's standards in relationships. Yesterday I had two different people tell me I had to lower my standards in order to get a guy. I even had someone ask me if I drank a lot because that would probably help me find someone. Which brings me to the conclusion that standards are a way of the past now it's all about what you can get and dealing with it. Then we wonder why we have such a high divorce rate, why people cheat, and why girls are getting beat in relationships.
When I first got told to lower my standards for a second I thought maybe they are right, then I really examined what my standards really are.

What I look for in a guy is mainly just a sense of humor. I like funny guys, always have. That is pretty much the only requirement everything else is just common sense into play. I want a guy whose funny, intelligent and nice. Don't we all just want variations of this? No one wants to go out with someone that they can't talk to and no one should want to go out with someone that treats them bad. Those are my "standards" that really should apply to everyone. Other than that everything else doesn't matter. How he dresses, how he looks, all of this kind of falls into place if the other things are there.

So I should lower these standards? Should I allow a guy to treat me bad? or should I be with someone who I can't even talk to ? We are almost trained to settle in this society, there is no real idea of love there is no real idea of getting to know someone anymore. We walk around trying to not feel lonely and we fill that hole with whatever we can get. If we are lucky sometimes we fill it with the right person but all I see around me lately is a lot of wrong..So I probably won't lower my standards which means I will probably be alone for most of my life but like my father always told me... "It's better to be alone then in bad company."

Watched this before work now I am ready for my day.

chasing amy

 

Netflix you are good to me..

What is the cure to boredom ? Netflix instant watch ....
Days off consist of more time to watch movies that I have been meaning to watch and movies that I love and want to watch over and over.

Manhattan

                                          

Gentleman Prefer Blondes

                                                       

Reality Bites

Annie Hall

Diane Keaton is my personal hero. If you were to look up quirky in the dictionary you would find a picture of her and her endearing smile. I admire her carefree personality and I just wish that I could bottle that energy and add it to my everyday life.

Tonight we went to the New Beverly Cinemas and watched Gentleman Prefer Blondes on the big screen. Growing up this was one of my favorite movies and even though I am not a big Marilyn fan Jane Russell owns this movie. I might get a few Jane Russell movies on the movie queue and have a mini marathon.

Oh Lubitel 166 B

Can a piece of plastic really make me feel so hopeful? The answer is yes when it comes to how much I have fallen in love with this camera... I bought it off ebay a little more than a year ago and it just sat in my room not bothering anyone. I am a true 35mm film lover and even though I get the advantages of 120 film it was always hard for me to lose those extra frames when I am so price conscious. That went out the window with my first roll from my Lubitel. I love the detail that this camera can capture and even though it's no Rolliflex or Seagull it still gets the job done. It is also completely made of plastic which allows me to lug it around everywhere. I am taking it out tomorrow and cannot wait.



In shopping news : I have yet again bought a new pair of shoes. My new years resolution this year was too buy more shoes! I think that new years resolutions should stop being so negative and restricting and they should let us indulge. I have now bought at least a dozen shoes this year and I am glad to add these to my collection 

Deena & Ozzy Harness Boots at Urban Outfitters.com


I don't think any of the shoes I have purchased lately really go with my style but it's one of those things where I think they might eventually. So why not?

This stupid girl shit...

I just finished having a conversation with my breast...yes you read right. WITH MY BREAST.
This is when I realized that I am turning into "the crazy girl" . The girl who looks in the mirror and and dissects every little corner of their body because she has what I like to call the plague but others would refer to as a crush. So there I am in the mirror telling my boobs they need to be perkier, I never thought hitting crazy town would feel this comforting.

I don't think that boys understand the kind of power that they posses, boys or just relationships in general. Feelings are such a powerful weapon they make you do these crazy things and before you know it you are standing outside a girls window with a stereo blasting a cheesy 80's love song. I really don't get feelings. I mean I have them, some would say I have a lot but in terms of relationships I just try to stay away from those that would turn me into a girl that giggles after every word and practices writing mrs. whatever his name is over and over. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHh


In other news:

 I purchased these awesome shoes yesterday and even though everyone at work already owns them I am still in love with them and want to wear them EVERY DAY!!!
It's really amazing how much I can allow an article of clothing to lift my spirits. I am sure there is something there that I really don't have time to go into.

Not like any other week....

I've been up to my old shenanigans again. I was feeling weary of what California has been offering me. Working six days a week can get kind of old you need to find a way to rest your mind. So I am now where I always go for a breather New York City. To be honest a few days before the trip I almost convinced myself I didn't want to go. Thinking to myself that there was no way that I would be able to rest or even have fun since my funds were low. I am on Day 4 currently and am actually having a wonderful vacation.

Before I got on the plane I purchased a little book called " Eat Pray Love", you might of heard of it. After years of passing it on Target shelves finally the book gets turned into a movie starring no other than Julia Robert. Finally the concept captures my attention, finding yourself through traveling. If you know me you know my one desire in the world is to travel, unfortunately I am only ever made it to Peru and back. Hopping through a few states in the US has been fun too but I yearn for Spain, Italy, and London. Since I've opened that book though I have been hooked and I've been reading it little by little almost like taking small sips of a good tea if only to make it last longer.

New York city has been good to me as always. I have once again taken to "exploring" the city. I love walking around and seeing how it all connects to each other. On Sunday Morning I got off on Essex stop on the J and just started walking. I had no agenda except to capture a good picture somewhere, anywhere. I ended up sitting by the water for what felt like an hour of peace. Reading and getting lost in the atmosphere. I can tell you right now that I have lost the sense of knowing how to do nothing. I am always on the go , always working, always tired. There was a moment where I looked out to the river and realized that I was indeed relaxing. It was a strange feeling to not understand how to do this but now that I remembered how I am right on track. I went back yesterday for another hour. This time though my walk extended from E. Broadway all the way to the South st. Seaport to find a little empanada place I left untouched a few years prior. It was too beautiful a day not to walk, taking a subway would of just been a crime. So I walked to Battery Park taking in the water from that side. All the people that gather in NY , all the tourist with their cameras, I wondered if they could feel what I felt.

I picked up a Village Voice, where I went to the movie section to see if I should catch a movie by myself later in the day . You see there are a few things I wanted to get done while I was here

1) see a movie by myself
2) see a show by myself
3) go to eat by myself
4) make a new friend

do we see a pattern?
In LA I feel like I am just so dependent on people, I in the core am not that person. I need to re-connect with myself if only to remember why I like myself or even better what I don't like about myself. It's all a process in trying to be better.

So far I have already gone to a show by myself. Crossed that off on the first night here. So when I looked at the Village Voice and saw that they were having Cary Grant night at BAM Rose Cinemas I nearly died. I had officially had plans to see a movie that night. Not before have some amazing .20 Cent wings with my friends and their co-workers though.

Eventually I made it to see "This Could Be The Night" at BAM. When I entered the almost empty cinema I felt somewhat better to see that everyone had come alone. There were mostly older people there with a few young girls scattered about. I guess great minds think alike. Seeing an old movie like that on the big screen felt amazing, if only to see something the way it was originally intended to be seen. The movie was hysterical and racy for it's decade and of course Cary Grant looked fabulous. There are no Cary Grants in this world today I tell you. Maybe, just maybe George Clooney. Yet out in the real world I couldn't find one to save my life. So now I can cross off # 1 off the list too.

I have three more days here let's see what else I can do....

Does anybody remember laughter????

Since we are now in the digital era it has becomes incredibly difficult for me to remember the last time I bought a real physical cd. Luckily today I actually did. Living in Los Angeles I should probably take advantage that I live in a state that has 3 Amoeba Records. Amoeba being the mecca of all that is holy in music.
I browsed the clearance racks and came out with some stuff I cannot wait to
listen to....


Beth Orton - Trailer Park
Gomez - Abandoned Shopping Trolley Hotline
Her Space Holiday - Let's get quiet Vol. 1
Gogogoairheart - S/T
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers - Hard Promises (original issue)

Film : Fuji Sensia 200

This is my film of choice as of late. There is something about the powerful colors it brings when you process this slide film as a negative (look up: cross processing) that make only the best colors come out. A lot of green undertones reminding me of Lomography 200 xpro film. I always find it tricky using slide film because I never want the colors to be too far away from what they are suppose to look like. I hate the strong fuchsia colors that some of the other fuji slide films give you. Yet with sensia you are playing off your own colors in th picture. So far I am a satisfied customer and have started to live off this film. So far so good.

love love love...

#6042010

Let's get lost somewhere for a minute...
In my head there have been soo many emotions.
I just came back from a trip from San Francisco, always short, always sweet. Jen is leaving and heading to New York in August and my reasons to visit that great city would be cut short.
Change seems to be in the air in all directions and if I knew where it was taking me I think I would be dissapointed.
Last night a homeless man asked to clean our windows at a gas station and eventhough we insisted he didn't, he started to anyways. This man was so happy cleaning our bug infested windows that it brought me to tears. I just couldn't understand what a dipshit I have been being for the last few years. That man had almost nothing and he had a smile on his face while he recounted silly stories about washing strangers windows.
I just kept thinking "I am so lucky..and I can't even take one second to realize that"
I cried the rest of the tears I had left but luckily left with something in the end of that trip.
Cheesy? probably. But I am so sick of being unhappy and most say happiness is a choice and I would normally argue with that but it's true. Make good life choices and the rest is the outlook you choose.

I will remind myself to read this when I am feeling crappy again.

Film: Kodak Tri-X 400

At times I like to think that I know a little of what I am talking about. I have a good sense of people and why they do the things they do. Being completely self aware (not that it helps me) makes people constantly want to open up to me, which I love. What does this have to do with film you might ask? Well I always thought that photography was beautiful in it's primitive (for lack of a better word) form. Black and White film always feels like it captures something on a different plain than what color film can do. As if in shooting people in black and white you can almost see feel more of a connection. I have been using Kodak Tri-x 400 for a while now. To be honest I never was really happy with the results . I feel like it flattens a lot of my images. I think I am going to start using more Ilford since they are the kings of Black and White. Never the less here are some pics taken with Kodak Tri-x 400



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Gloomy as heck!

I am currently at work listening to Built To Spill - Carry the Zero and trying to not fall asleep. Can I just tell you how awesome Dinosaur Jr. radio is on Pandora!!! All these great songs are coming on everything from Lemonheads to Smashing Pumpkins. Oh Smashing Pumpkins , they are but a bump in the history of my generation but I somehow can look back and find at least 3 songs of theirs that are milestones in my life. Weird how seemingly a band could not affect you but still somehow have a relationship with you in your life.

"Today" happens to be one of my favorite songs EVER!!! The lyrics and the melody even the music video seems to be etched permanently in my brain. Billy Corgan's bald head reminds me of a time in my life where music made sense to me and at the time the rest of the world. Now when I think about him though I think about all his problems with Courtney Love.

I will end this with the music video for one of my favorite Smashing Pumpkins songs

Camera Rant: Why I love my Diana Mini!

This little piece of plastic might look like it can't do much but really it packs such a punch.
If you are familiar with it's predecessor the Diana F+ you know that the magic to these cameras is in the plastic lens. Luckily with the Diana Mini you are not sacrificing too much in the size.
The Mini keeps the plastic lens to still give you those soft focus images and eventhough it shoots in 35mm format ( a feature I find to be a million times more convenient) it still gives you the square image that the Diana is famous for. Since the Mini cannot be made into a pinhole, the lens doesn't come off like the regular Diana, it does give you the option of shooting half frame. So on a 36 exposure roll you can shoot 72 pictures, and you don't have to stay committed to half frame through out your whole roll you can actually go back and forth. This is my favorite feature since for years I had been trying to get my hands on an Olympus Pen an older camera that had that feature back in the day. Then I found the golden half a camera made by superheadz that seemed to do what the Pen did but lacked in the picture quality.The Mini does everything the golden half does and more. I also must rave about the panoramic options you have with it, it's really what I have been experimenting with and so far so good. I must end this by talking about the focusing. I have never been good at judging focusing on meters but I feel that with the Diana Mini it's a little more forgiving. I tend to always get a good shot.

Here are some shots I have taken so far with the Mini

It was a nice break

... and now back to the real world.

Utah, I had been there twice before and both times I loved it. This time it was a little different. I was surrounded with friends, I had a lot more money and it was fucking snowing. After a fourteen hour drive and a four hour pit stop in Vegas we finally made it. Downtown SLC is very interesting, it's a city and yet not. I remember walking down the streets of temple square when there were no sky scrapper buildings but now it's like stepping into a different state within a one mile radius.

The cold is what really caught me off guard being babied by California weather anything below fifteen degrees is always a shock. I spent most of Thursday night and Friday searching for a Walgreens. I google mapped the fuck out of that Walgreens and it seemed that anywhere I turned I was going the wrong way. Big tip to any major city DO NOT HAVE MULTIPLE STREETS NAMED ALMOST THE SAME!!! I get that 400 s. and 400 w. are two different streets but when I'm walking and lost I can't remember which way is which at that point. Shadi and I went on a 45 minute walk to the mecca that was Walgreens and then found out we could of taken the train there (awesome). You know your life isn't really that interesting when you spend most of your day in a different state looking for a place to buy bobby pins.

The best part was when I was stuck in the hotel elevator for 20 minutes with the most obnoxious guy. He didn't mind being stuck in there because in his words "he had nothing to do".

I would have punched him if they didn't come rescue us. RETARDED...

We spent our last day there going to Sundance to see what the hoopla was about. Unfortunately we didn't get to see much hoopla since we had no tickets to any movies and it was nearing the end of the festival. Regardless Park City is a very beautiful place to visit. I just kept thinking that this was the backdrop for all those hallmark christmas cards. Snow everywhere which always makes me happy since we don't get a lick of snow in Downey,California.

I would normally talk about the show here but there was really nothing to say besides the fact that it was pretty awesome. I don't normally judge Brand New shows mainly because it's rare for me to not enjoy one. Obviously I enjoy some more than others but I can only think of one bad show in the seventy or so that I have been to. So therefore the show was good and definitely worth sitting in the car for 14 more hours on our way home.

So verdict about Utah : will visit again yet not anytime soon.....