wasting time.

There is so much I want to do and I feel like I'm just sort of sitting here
watching life pass me by. I used to be such a motivated person, now I sit
with my dog every night while I edit photos I took so long ago.
I remember thinking I would never be this mediocre but maybe only
mediocre people think that way?

I decided that once I buy a 35mm negative scanner that I might turn this into a photo blog. I am trying to find a new camera to buy and I think that I'm pretty much done on digital. I've been looking at a lot of polaroid cameras lately and I know that polaroid film is done with but trust me it's out there somewhere.
There is so much I want to capture out there and I just can't do it from sitting behind a laptop.
It's frustrating, I wish I was a collector of things that were worth something because I'm at the point in my life where I want to just sell everything and move to Spain for a year. Yet selling everything would probably leave me with a couple of hundred bucks and no matter how I stretch that I'm sure it wont even be enough for a plane ticket.

My face keeps changing everyday. I don't understand how it could do that really. Can I be different people everyday? I'm sick of working in los angeles, I come home feeling fat and ugly and a bunch of other insecurities I can't put into words. Disturbing really when everyone is falling over a girl with cut off shorts who can barely spell her name. It has almost made me lose hope in finding someone, I did say almost. No matter how hard I try I can't turn that switch off. So I end up thinking that Mr. Right is going to sweep me off my feet with whatever witty banter they can come up with. I'm trying to to kill that hope though , since I came up with my "theory" that I will ramble on about at another time.
I'm trying though , you know , to be a girl. Not that I'm not one without trying but since I keep getting the boyfriend question lately I might feel that I detract guys without even trying.
Where the hell is this going again?

Ok really I'm trying not to sleep and since I'm failing badly I think its bedtime.

goodnight